What Could Have Been

  Oh the heavy heart of a mother who was already pretty sure she was messing her children up before the storm really ever ensued-- now what? Sibling rivalry within these four walls was something at one time I had prayed would "just stop!"  And now, I'd give anything in this life to hear it, between all three of my children--even just one more time.  For quite some time Joel had no one to contend with, and when his baby sister Alyssa made her debut, sibling love was forever set into motion. Her presence was soft and light throughout her infancy and most of her toddler years. I believe the only thing that may have bothered Joel is when she was napping. This meant no bouncing the basketball in the driveway of our humble abode, and no friends inside until she awoke from dreamland. As she turned five years old, he was turning fourteen... may I call it terrible fourteen?  This was when the yelling started, "Alyssa won't get out of my room!', or "What the Heck!  Alyssa ate all of my skittles!".  Alyssa's main complaint was "Joel won't let me in his room!"  followed by alligator tears and an incapability to understand that a teenage boy needs his space.  There were many times I had to use my mommy right to put myself into time-out!  Jace, our youngest son was born that year and by this time the rivalry was at it's peak because now there was a new sibling who needed mom 24/7, and I was less able to readily diffuse the quarrels of "who drank the last of the chocolate milk?!" And, "It's my turn to play X-box!" (tears were usually involved).  All in one moment you just might have been able to find me listening to the monitor, reading Joel's grades on the school website to be sure he handed in all assignments that week, and motioning a barbie in one hand as Alyssa had instructed.  This was me braving motherhood,  embracing the beautiful mess and hoping I wasn't messing up too bad along the way.

  Losing Joel in an accident was life changing, spirit crushing.  It was the most devastating time of my life; did I mess up?  What didn't I do?  What could I have done differently?  If only I had...(insert solution) , I've thought of it all.   There were so many things I was convinced I could go back and do, altering the past, changing the outcome.  I'm so thankful that God gave me such grace and endless mercy at a time when I could have continued to blame myself.  He surely is the river of life, sustaining us through all of life.  Over this past one year, seven months and six days, I have not only hurt for myself and for my husband. I have cried out to God in pain and agony over the loss my surviving children are also facing every day. I feel so inadequate in providing them comfort, so helpless and scared. My sweet daughter has so many questions, all I can say is that we face them head on together with God in our broken hearts. Many times as I listen to her I am simultaneously talking with God in silent prayer...proclaiming my need for His help. The toughest for me was when she asked me recently, "momma, how was Joel turned into ashes?" I sat there -- fighting back and swallowing the tears. Trying to table my own grief and be available to her is such a difficult but necessary practice.  I turned to her beautifully innocent soul and asked if she wanted to really know, because that is something I, at 9 years young don't believe I could have handled. But not my girl, she's so brave- my sage spirited and strong princess.  She told me she was ready and we had a talk about it...cremation.  I could literally feel my stomach turn, my lower lip quivered as each word required a deep breath behind it for deliverance.  Alyssa reached over and placed her tiny soft hand over mine to comfort ME!?  Aren't I suppose to be doing that for her?  Aren't I the one who ought to muster up some strength and show her my brave?  Perhaps not... after all, God uses our weakness in times that we feel we should be strong or suppress our all too real emotions.  "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9  I so long in my heart to be having a different conversation with her, any conversation really, just not the one where her brother didn't make it.  Alyssa took what we had talked about and put it somewhere in that beautiful heart of hers...able to smile and move from the conversation with such grace and understanding. 

  Jace's first question was at Joel's funeral. We approached Joel's casket; Jace in my dad's arms as mine were completely stripped of any strength. Jace asked in his two year old voice: "Why's 'Jo' sleepin"...  How could I answer that other than with tears!  WHY was this really happening?  I was so angry alongside of my sadness as I thought of having to explain death to my two year old, and his own brother at that.  I couldn't even piece together how I would tell Joel's bubba that he wouldn't see his 'Jo' again here on earth.  I could hardly explain that to myself or accept it, let alone my little ones.  Over time, Jace has had quite the questions and beliefs.  At very first he understood it that Joel was "at Kevin's", which is what he interpreted when we would tell him Joel was 'in Heaven'.  Boy did I wish he was at someone named Kevin's house... He has shared that Joel is a "silver football player in Heaven", and " I saw Joel playing football with Jesus in the grass."  He has said to us a few times,"my brother crashed into a tree and died".  What a painful truth and even worse that his little bubba is growing up without his big brother because of that tragedy. And I am always making sure to remind Jace of just how very much his big brother loved and adored him.

  I hold onto the hope of Heaven.  I rely on God's promises daily, in each moment and even by the second.  I ask in prayer that our Great God would continue to guide me as a mom, that He would give me the answers when faced with the tough questions this sharp reality brings.  Since I can't take their pain away, I focus on letting my pain and weakness shine God's brilliant light.  I don't suppress my emotions because I want them to know that it's okay to not be okay~ that God will carry us for thousands of miles never once forsaking us or leaving us alone in our hurt.  Feeling is healing and in our home we feel together.  We share the questions that most are afraid to ask or even entertain.  We hold tight to each other, healthily realizing that we won't ever know all the answers but we do know the Who.  When I am overwhelmed as a mom and feel like I am messing up my kids, or that somehow I could have prevented the world of hurt we are in as a family, God reminds me of sweet Jesus.  The man who walked this earth Who can relate to my feelings of being overwhelmed and desperate...even to the point of death!  He was human and He is God, I can give this cup to Him, he encourages me in His Word to do so.  I can find comfort in Him as I cry oceans of tears over what could have been. I surrender and walk in His light.  He calls me to be brave, and of great courage.  Might I face each day with reckless abandon in my Faith, my LIFE SAVING FAITH.  I choose to breathe the breath of Heaven, the blessed assurance of a world with no more pain <3  

X's and O's to heaven they go <3 xoxo <3