Forgotten post

As Christmas and New Year approach, I feel a sensation slowly covering me from my head on down. A sensation of weakness that doesn't marry well with the ever growing list of things to do, and places to go.  Just to make a trip to the store with this cloak of anxiety, grief and lethargy is seemingly impossible.  The clock ticks, and grows louder as I stare blankly at the wall. In my mind is a checklist that was once so involuntary-- something I never gave thought to. " I have to brush my teeth, Have I showered?  What day is it?".  Little, tiny things that I never minded doing before our son passed away now seem so mundane, my routine was lost and strewed amid the ocean of loss.  Filled Calenders, to do lists, fancy hand towels in the bathroom, a sink void of dishes, and a smile ~ even if forced.  I've been asking myself, "does it really matter?"  Does all of this stuff matter? We live in a world where it's all about what's next and what if. Perhaps I fear what's next.  Maybe it's the 'what if?' that now plays a larger role in my anxiety than I've realized. What I am certain of is that I want more than ever to live in the now.  Just right now, not a few hours or days ahead because truly we know nothing about the next few hours, let alone tomorrow.  We can plan for things, and our intentions are wonderful, but it is in the hands of God where our future and destiny are kept. "" The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps", Proverbs 16:9.  Here lies the Peace that I often rave about and praise God for.  It is in His hands where my anxiety can't touch me.  The sensation of weakness leaves me completely.  It is in His hands where I can escape the pressure to be or to grieve any certain way.  I can weep, and I can sing.  I can rest and I can soar.  I can just. Be. Still.  God tells me I don't have to "do" a thing to live a blessed life.  And that He simply wants my presence... that I am gift enough?!  I hear "Be still" more and more as I grow in the Lord.  This time of year is now not only sad for me because I'm missing part of my heart, but because I see how easy it is to lose sight of the true Purpose behind this magical season .  Jesus is the reason for the Season, and in God's eyes, WE are the reason for the Season... WOW.  It's a celebration of our Savior's birth, and all in one breath I can say that it has everything and nothing to do with me.  I'd like for this time of year to be molded differently in my mind and in my heart.  That my heart will involuntarily love what my mind knows and remains focused on those truths.  I'd like for any "to do" lists to be centered in Christ.  To remember that dishes can wait while I am busy making memories with my family.  And that some days-- the calender will only read; "Be still".  More than Christmas gatherings and presents under the tree, Jesus was born.  Our Savior Who was perfect for us.  Who Himself, needed rest, and knew what it was like to be overwhelmed... even to the point of death <3  There is no one like Him, and what His birth means is we are given an indescribable LOVE.  A love that we ought to consider giving to those around us, and to ourselves as well <3