~Forever Changed~

Slow...slow and very small moves are what bring me peace.  Each day starts quietly and I can't help but wonder if it is left entirely up to us just how noisy our day becomes?  As I open my eyes in the morning I feel at peace.  After the first minute the reality that one of our children is forever 16 sets in, and I wear that like a permanent robe...one I cannot take off.  Even so,at this point in our journey I am able to find joy in my day and do look very forward to what God has planned for me, so I thank Him as I rise.  All the way from my bedroom to the coffee pot, there is silence aside from my slippers softly dragging beneath me.  As I pour the hot coffee into my favorite mug, the aroma is something that I value as it has not changed.  Not very many things have remained as they once were in our lives~ but the small moments that have, these tiny scents and sounds or lack there of, make this new space comfortable. With coffee in hand I head to my Bible, another familiar part of my day, one that ushers in the peace I crave to maintain within.  Not to my surprise, my faith in God has changed in measure over the past year and ten months.  I've always believed in God, and I have always loved Him.  A quick read in my Bible here and there throughout the week, and that was enough for me.  Before losing our Son I was "comfortable" in my faith right where I was.  I see now that I was so afraid of the scrutiny I would face had I let out what my heart felt. Had I lived out my faith in such a way that set me apart from others...especially close friends and family.  There is a risk in everything but most risks I was taking before had little to no reward.  I was a cowardly. Arrested by fear of rejection and judgement, scared by but longing for the change I knew was to come...in my faith that is-- not our tragedy.

In a before and after sense; before February 18th, 2013 I was accepting worldly limits, not pushing or even questioning them.  I was suppressing my gifts, my talents and the call God placed on my life because of fear and secular seeds of weakness that somehow made it into my mind.  "So do not fear, for I Am with you; do not be dismayed, for I Am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand", Isaiah 41:10.  Oh that comfort and more than that, what a promise!  It's truth resounds within my very being and nestles into my soul.  After February 18th, 2013  I wanted nothing to do with anything that didn't involve a combination of both heaven and earth.  I have a great need, for what would be my earthly affection toward my beloved son to be elevated and shaped into a heavenly love.  Amidst all the pain and agony over losing Joel there was a light burning brighter than the brightest of stars from the very beginning of this "after".  If I could personify this light and give it a voice, it was saying "hold on to me, don't let go"..."IT", was God.  Not once have I cursed God for the reality that is now ours, I can't even imagine having suffered this tremendous loss without Him, much less grieve Him.  To some it may look like I am a reformed woman and mom and I am more than okay with that image.  In part because I've always truly longed for the promised reformation our Messiah brings.  A loss as great as this changes you.  I know that I am changed and yes, forever. The way I once smiled has been refined through the fire and it even took quite a while to recognize myself.  I cry more often than I ever have, even considering how sensitive I have always been.  My interests, conversations, and activities have been switched, changed, made new.  Slowly...gradually and woven tightly with both grace and mercy I walk...even carried here and there

In hindsight I can see that "before", I was bereft of a better life because I was too busy and too distracted to fully follow God. I then was bereft of my oldest son and frankly, I'll be damned if I settle for both.  I cannot change what happened, and believe me if I could have Joel back there is no question as to what length I wouldn't go but that just isn't real... that isn't a choice for me and our family.  I do however, have a choice in how I spend my time on this journey and in how I follow God.  Having a child in heaven changes everything. I believe that very change is part of God's Holy Will for our lives.  Having Joel away from us and in heaven is the driving force behind my dauntless faith.  I have never been so interested in what heaven is like in all my life. I've avoided reading the book of Revelation as long as I have owned a Bible until now. I have never been so drawn to the adornment of the angels wings down to the delicate diamonds and precious stones in place.  I am not just reading to learn that there are pearly gates, but that there are twelve pearls , each gate made of a single pearl!  I then study on to learn that our son Joel walks streets made of pure gold, so pure that it is like transparent glass.  The city of Heaven doesn't need the sun or the moon because the Glory of God is what gives them light...He gives us that light too-- will you choose to see it? Since we can't have him here with us, I can't think of any place more fitting for our son. One day we will all be together again, and one of the very last promises of the Bible will stand; "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them.  They will be His people and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be NO MORE DEATH or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  I am often sorry that it ever took a tragedy like ours to REALLY take hold of all the beautiful truths, promises and mercies that are awaiting each one of us.  So if it is up to me, I prefer to keep the noise of my day soft, slow and steady... small moves, echoes of Jesus, and measureless leaps of faith.  In low posture I hold a gratitude in my heart for all that God has restored to our family, and I hold onto the hope of Heaven. X's and O's to Heaven they go <3