Forgotten post

As Christmas and New Year approach, I feel a sensation slowly covering me from my head on down. A sensation of weakness that doesn't marry well with the ever growing list of things to do, and places to go.  Just to make a trip to the store with this cloak of anxiety, grief and lethargy is seemingly impossible.  The clock ticks, and grows louder as I stare blankly at the wall. In my mind is a checklist that was once so involuntary-- something I never gave thought to. " I have to brush my teeth, Have I showered?  What day is it?".  Little, tiny things that I never minded doing before our son passed away now seem so mundane, my routine was lost and strewed amid the ocean of loss.  Filled Calenders, to do lists, fancy hand towels in the bathroom, a sink void of dishes, and a smile ~ even if forced.  I've been asking myself, "does it really matter?"  Does all of this stuff matter? We live in a world where it's all about what's next and what if. Perhaps I fear what's next.  Maybe it's the 'what if?' that now plays a larger role in my anxiety than I've realized. What I am certain of is that I want more than ever to live in the now.  Just right now, not a few hours or days ahead because truly we know nothing about the next few hours, let alone tomorrow.  We can plan for things, and our intentions are wonderful, but it is in the hands of God where our future and destiny are kept. "" The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps", Proverbs 16:9.  Here lies the Peace that I often rave about and praise God for.  It is in His hands where my anxiety can't touch me.  The sensation of weakness leaves me completely.  It is in His hands where I can escape the pressure to be or to grieve any certain way.  I can weep, and I can sing.  I can rest and I can soar.  I can just. Be. Still.  God tells me I don't have to "do" a thing to live a blessed life.  And that He simply wants my presence... that I am gift enough?!  I hear "Be still" more and more as I grow in the Lord.  This time of year is now not only sad for me because I'm missing part of my heart, but because I see how easy it is to lose sight of the true Purpose behind this magical season .  Jesus is the reason for the Season, and in God's eyes, WE are the reason for the Season... WOW.  It's a celebration of our Savior's birth, and all in one breath I can say that it has everything and nothing to do with me.  I'd like for this time of year to be molded differently in my mind and in my heart.  That my heart will involuntarily love what my mind knows and remains focused on those truths.  I'd like for any "to do" lists to be centered in Christ.  To remember that dishes can wait while I am busy making memories with my family.  And that some days-- the calender will only read; "Be still".  More than Christmas gatherings and presents under the tree, Jesus was born.  Our Savior Who was perfect for us.  Who Himself, needed rest, and knew what it was like to be overwhelmed... even to the point of death <3  There is no one like Him, and what His birth means is we are given an indescribable LOVE.  A love that we ought to consider giving to those around us, and to ourselves as well <3

Nervous to Pray...

At the risk of starting my post today with a question, here goes!  Have you ever been nervous to pray?  Over the past ten years I have been in the slow process of discovering and building my prayer life.  As a youngster it went something like this, "Grace", before dinner, and as I would climb into the warmth of my rainbow bright comforter, I would close my eyes and sing a little prayer song; "thank you for the food we eat, thank you for the world so sweet, thank you for the birds that sing, thank you God for everything".  And close.  This was good enough for me, for longer than I can recount.  Then God blessed me with what I believe to be the highest calling on my life, motherhood. It started with my oldest son Joel and I went on to give birth to Alyssa and shortly after, Jace my youngest.  With each child the list of who and what I was praying for became longer and more sincere.  I wasn't sure if there was some format I should be following or if there was to be some tonal importance placed on certain words.  In my younger years of motherhood my prayers sounded like this, " Dear God, would you please make sure I am doing this right??  I feel nervous and unsure at times.  Could you make sure I wake up if the baby cries, I know I'm a heavy sleeper...  As for Joel, could you help him with math?  I'm pretty terrible at it even though it's only 2nd grade math."  Looking back, it's almost comical~ but also sweet in it's timidity.  Was I nervous?  Or was it that I knew that there were and are no boundaries in talking to God?

Years would go by, sermons would grace my mind and heart, and I would listen to and be part of many beautiful, selfless prayers.  I'll never forget when our Pastor had called to check on our family during a time of financial struggle, and after talking a bit he said, "How about a prayer then".  I remember thinking how awesome it was that we were going to pray over the phone!  This was a first for me and as I closed my eyes to listen and join in prayer, I felt the nearness and dearness of our Lord.  How sweet, how sincere and how awesome that I now knew we could pray over the phone!  To be completely forthright, I no sooner hung up and comprised a list in my mind of who I could call and invite to pray with me!?  The time came when I was on the phone with a loved one, and the Holy Spirit nudged me to ask "Can I pray for you...right now?".  They sounded like I once did on the other end...excited and curious all at the same moment.  My voice shook, and I closed my eyes as I spoke from my heart in prayer.  I probably said the word 'just' a hundred times, and uttered God's name twice as much, BUT the purpose was achieved.  All Glory to God.  There was a certain peace that only Jesus brings as we closed and softly exchanged an amen.  It seemed as though the anxiety I was hearing in my loved ones voice had been lifted, and hope was restored.  After we hung up I meditated on the beautiful truths before me...that prayer is powerful.  And more than that~ God is powerful.  Praying for and with our loved ones and strangers alike is such a privilege...such a gift from above.  That we can invite God into the tiny details of our lives, and He not only accepts our prayers but answers them just makes my heart flutter.

Soon I was in various Bible studies where I was asked to lead in prayer...me, what?!  This wasn't over the phone, this was in person and with hands held kind of prayer.  Emotions and concern entered my being faster than the speed of light.  Feelings of inadequacy, low posture, doubt, excitement, more doubt, nervousness and BOOM! Time to pray.  So I opened my mouth and here was my first prayer aloud.  Never before had I been praying aloud while also having a separate prayer in my mind that went something like this; "God please speak for me, I don't want to sound like a fool".  I was also focused on the sweat that was indeed dripping from my palms into those of my sweet sisters on either side of me :-/  Nervous? yes.  This was the epitome of being nervous. This was me, in a moment of God using me to bring glory to Him, and radically changing me, maturing my faith.  The whole ride home from this Bible study I reflected on how nervous I felt but how well received the prayer I prayed truly was. I was so grateful for that and grew more comfortable in speaking life.

The prayer around our dinner table became an open forum.  I prayed aloud with my family, that God would bless this food to our bodies, and that through our health and well being He would use us in His Mighty Kingdom to accomplish His Holy Will.  At bed time I began to pray not only about my children, but for them, over them, out loud so that they could not only see, but hear my relationship with God.  I want them to know my love for them is much deeper than this world could ever allow me to define.  That their their lives here and in heaven both matter to me...equally and more than anything else.  I then climb into my bed, (no more rainbow bright) having prayed over my children and place my hand over my husband... He matters so much to me.  I love him so much and want the world for him.  I pray for his health, his strength and for his relationship with God.  I pray that I can be a wife who respects him at all times and who builds him up in our children's eyes; he deserves that, and I already think the world of him <3

The more I clutch my spoon and dig into God's Word, the more I resolve to be in a spirit of prayer at all times. Who can I pray for, what is going on outside of myself that I can lend my heart to?  After all, this life is so not about me... I've been so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing prayer warriors and I have learned so much from my Pastor and other brothers and sisters in Christ!   I've learned about the strength of being in prayer on my knees, this posture of humility and being small in our own sight.  A submissively sweet bow to our Father in Heaven <3  It represents to me a surrender of our time.  That our prayer life is worthy of taking a time out from the mundane and bringing it all to Jesus' feet <3  Now at bed time my daughter and I gather at the side of her bed and if she feels led, she begins or vice versa.  Sharing my prayer life with my children and watching their confidence in communicating with God blesses my so richly. I've now had the privilege and honor of praying in front of a large group, about 160 people.  It seems that with each new opportunity to pray comes a new level of nervousness.  A welcome change and growth in my heart.  It stirs up within me the desire to know God deeper and to explore all the ways in which  I can thank God, with my life, for the amazing opportunity of being a mouthpiece of love.  I thank Him for the most awesome blessing of lifting up the world and His children in prayer.  I imagine every prayer places each individual and matter into the safe and most secure palm of His hand <3  There is no better place and there is no other way <3

So as for my question earlier, Have you ever been nervous to pray?  I hope that whatever your answer is, you embrace it.  Let nervousness, excitement, curiosity and all other emotions be the springboard from which your prayer life grows.  Let praises and thanks of all kinds be lifted to Him who blesses us.  Hold on tightly to the very thing that stirs your soul, and that propels you into a deeper faith that you long to share with others.  Invite God to use you, and to give you words when you seem to have none :-)

"For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you", Matthew 10:20 <3